Autobiography
by Casteline
Summary: A chapter from the autobiography of Rory Gilmore. References Rory/Jess, Rory/Logan, Rory/Dean, Rory/OC, but mostly Literati. Sequel to Letters; Part Two of eight.


This is the sequel to Letters. You don't have to read that, but it always helps.

**Happy reading**

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**Autobiography – 1 – Regret**

I'd like to say that I have no regrets in life. After all, that is how my mother raised me; to live in the moment and never have regrets. After all, every mistake is a learning experience. That's how we saw it.

And for the most part, I suppose I could say I have no regret. The life I have lived was more amazing than I ever could have imagined.

I had the greatest mother, and the greatest best friends and the greatest family a girl could ask for.

Dean was a wonderful first boyfriend, my first love. I don't deny that I loved him, with all my heart. And I still love him and I believe I always will. But I don't regret that our relationship ended. I love him, but I don't know that I could ever be _in_ love with him. Even after all we've been through, _especially_ after all we've been through, we could never be more than friends again.

I graduated from the most prestigious high school on the east coast, and valedictorian no less. Saying that on paper sound so much more conceded than it did in my head, but there it is.

I never went to Harvard, like I had wished my whole life. But I don't regret not going. Yale was my choice and I loved every minute of it.

I could say that I regret Logan, but the truth is, I don't. Being with him was so difficult at times. But sometimes it wasn't. We broke up and got together and broke up and got back together so many times. I know that I loved him; it wasn't real love, not even love that could match what I felt with Dean, but it was love nonetheless. It's a terrible thing, but sometimes I think that the only reason I loved him was because he loved me. He called me names and he flirted and he fought to be with me. And I guess I'd never really had someone fighting for me. I loved the attention he gave me, more than I loved him.

I never got married. I don't regret that either. It wasn't that the opportunity never came up, because it did, more than a few times. First Logan asked me, at my graduation party. But I wasn't ready. Even if I had been, I'm not sure I would have said yes.

There had been an incident in a bar in Honduras. This man, I believe his name was Rafael, asked me to marry him. He was drunk beyond belief and I'm pretty sure the question wasn't a serious one, but you never know. I could have agreed and we could have run off together. I may have regretted that. Mom would probably just call it an adventure though. A Britney Spears Adventure.

Mom. She once predicted that I would have hundreds of men in my life. I was skeptical then, and I still hold on to that skepticism. To this day there have only been five significant men in my life, and maybe a few insignificant ones. I don't regret not having more relationships. I've always been happy.

I don't regret Adam. He too I loved. But he and I had different goals. I wanted to live my life, travel, experience. He wanted to settle down, get married, have a few kids. I wasn't ready for that, I was too young. I didn't want to settle.

And I never regretted Peter. He was a photographer and in it for the travel, the adventure, just like me. I think that, maybe, if he hadn't died when he did, I could have seen myself marrying him some day.

But the truth is, the thought of marriage never really occurred to me. It wasn't a priority. I don't know if I really ever understood the fascination. If two people love each other, that's all that really matters, right? The big, white wedding, the ceremony, all of that, it's just everyone's way of glorifying a piece of paper. Because that's all that marriage is, a piece of paper that about sixty percent of the time will be invalid in twenty years anyway.

So here's my point, what is the point? I know who I love, with all of my heart, and if I can't find a way to express that with words, actions, whatever; what's to say that this ritual in an uncomfortable white dress with everyone staring at you is going to make it any easier. And whose bright idea was the whole with thing anyway?

I guess, what I'm getting at, is that in my life, there has only ever been one thing I regret. On person.

Jess.

That came out wrong. Because I don't regret Jess. Never. I regret the way I treated him. I regret the way he treated me.

From the beginning we were never really on the same page. He was ready for me, but I had Dean. Then I was ready for him, but he had Shane and I had Dean. Then, for a while, we had each other. But even then, we weren't on the same page. We were just kids and we couldn't make it work.

Then he left, and god I'd hated him. But I loved him. I guess that's why I hated him so much.

Then he was ready for me again, but I had Yale. He wanted me to run away with him, but I was so focused on school; I wasn't ready for him.

Next time wed met, he had really gotten his act together. He was perfect. He'd published a book, had a real, steady job. All the things a girl could want. Irony of ironies, I was the one in the muck; I'd quit Yale!

And for a moment, I'd really thought it could work that time.

But, of course, I had Logan now. And if he hadn't shown up that night, I may have forgotten all about him.

But he did show up and I didn't forget. And his appearance just made the rift between us reappear.

One good thing had come from his visit though, he'd reminded me of who I was. I wasn't the girl who stole a yacht with her boyfriend, disowned her mother, and dropped out of college. I was Rory Gilmore.

The last time I'd seen him was in the bookstore-slash-publishing company-slash-whatever else it was.

He was ready for me and I was ready for him.

There was only one problem. I still had Logan. And no matter what he'd done to me, I could never cheat on him, like he'd done to me. Never. Because that wasn't me.

And I regret treating him like I did. Using him, leading him on. Because in my mind, I think I always knew that he would always be waiting. And it was so selfish for me to make him put his life on hold while he waited around for me. I was _so _selfish and I hate myself for that.

If I had one last wish before I die, I think it would be to go back to him. Not to be with him. Don't get me wrong. I would love to be with him again. He is probably the one person I could see spending eternity with. But he's moved on now. He's got someone new and how selfish would that be of me, to shove my way back into his life, only to rish off again a few months later.

So yeah, I couldn't be with him again. But I'd just like to say sorry. For all the pain I must have caused him.

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Now you can go read Futile : )

Reviews are love.


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